A Detailed Account of My Attempt to Make My Classroom Reflect the Workplace
It's finally happened. I never thought it would, but I've been convinced: it's time to make school more like the work environment.
I used to get annoyed when people (the ones who claim that no student can possibly be successful in life without reading every single classic from the canon, think social-emotional learning is a swear word, and whose profile pictures are usually a stock photo of a dog or a bookshelf) started critiquing my grading policies by saying things like "no one gets second chances in the real world" and "the world doesn't care about you as much as they care about your productivity" and "how are we going to prepare them for jobs if we keep telling them that their humanity matters" (I think I'm capturing the gist, but I can't remember the exact words). I used to dismiss them. I was such a fool. Hindsight's always 20-20, I guess.
But now, because of some well-crafted arguments with incredibly creative use of pUncTuAtion (sometimes even in all caps – the creative genius in that choice is staggering, every time), I've learned the error of my ways. How dare I think that because I'd spent hours and hours and hours researching, reading, experimenting, and reflecting on effective grading practices that my ideas were any better than their gut reactions and overgeneralized blanket statements about what the work world was like when they were growing up? How dare I think that there should be a human element involved in the assessment process, when everyone knows that the only point of school is to churn out machines capable of high amounts of factory-work-assembly-line productivity in a modern workplace?
How dare I.
Sincerely, very very genuinely and sincerely, I regret the egregious error of my previous ways.
However, I have since learned, spent hours confessing to religious leaders of all factions, and to help other educators, am documenting the important changes I've made to my grading, assessment, and classroom practices to ensure our students are better-prepared for the realities they will face in the workplace. Because that is the only point of school. Full stop. Period. End of sentence. Exclamation point.
1. Preparation for Managers and Bosses
- Forgetting Their Names - I'm routinely calling students by the wrong name or severely butchering the pronunciation. I want to make sure they are ready for the severely dehumanizing relationship they'll experience in the Fortune 500 companies they'll inevitably work for. They are going to be so thankful for me once they get there. They won't even notice the barrage of humiliation by then.
- Screaming. Lots of Screaming - When kids used to ask for an extension for a legitimate reason [brace yourself], I would let them have it. I know, I know. Now? Oh man, they are too terrified to even try. Shows I'm on the right track. The last one who asked got a full on tirade that ended with a steaming hot cup of coffee dumped right on their head. (In my defense, for those of you softies claiming I was too harsh, I was aiming for the paper in their hand but got carried away.) I honestly can't believe how helpful I'm being in preparing them for the real world. I can't wait for the end-of-year thank you cards this year.
- Intense Favoritism - You know what I used to think? I used to think it was important that all students felt valued in my classroom. What workplace am I preparing them for? One in a hippy commune? Get real. Now, I play it up as much as I can. I relabeled my front row the "LOSER cruisers," and I always give them a 79% just to watch them cry. The back row, with the kids who give the best high fives and talk to me about sports when I'm supposed to be teaching, they're "The Straight A's" because that's the grade I give them for being cool. The rest of the class hates it now, but it's just tough love. They'll understand someday.
2. A Cutthroat Mentality
- Plagiarism Is Encouraged - Let's get real. The modern workforce doesn't care HOW you got it done. They only care that you got it done. I tell my students, "If you're going to plagiarize, I'm fine with that, but you'd better learn how to silence the person whose work you stole." There's nothing worse than some nerd trying to ruin your reputation by claiming "rightfully so" that the work you turned in was actually something they spent hours and hours working on. To help with this, I've even started a new club: Blackmail and Bank Rolls. It's just simulations for now, but it's going to make students turn into real winners in the workplace.
- "If You're Not First, You're Last" - I've realized that in the current job market, speed matters more than anything else. I used to just use deadlines, but that was too laid back. Students need to learn that you're either first or you're forgotten. As such, I've adjusted how I distribute grades. Now, it's solely based on speed. I reserve three As for the first three students who complete a task. Then, a few Bs for the next ones, some Cs after that, etc. I want my students to learn the value of a quick and speedy work ethic above all else, and this method seemed like the best way to do it. The last kid who got an A put a hastily scribbled X on the name line, crumpled up the paper, and threw it right at my face before I'd even gotten to the next desk. That is going to be one successful kid.
- The Cornucopia - I used to do these really detailed, personal grade conferences at the end of each term where students analyzed their progress and justified their grade, but then I realized that if everyone could potentially earn an A this way, it must be AWFUL in preparing them for the workplace. Thankfully, I have a much better idea. At the end of the term, I place a stack of papers in the middle of the football field, and on those papers are simple letter grades. The premise is so simple that I don't know how I missed it before. Everyone lines up in the end zones, and when I blow my whistle, they race to get the grades they want. No rules. I actually turn my back on the whole thing to make sure it's fair. Well, fair except for the fact that "The Straight A's" are given brass knuckles and baseball bats because what's favoritism even worth if it doesn't give you any advantages?